Накопилось аж 4 записи, которые надо бы скинуть в журнал (чтобы осталось для моей истории :).
Запись первая из четырех. Оставлена в двух письмах Дэвиду, копирую прямо оттуда (кусками).
date Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 7:44 PM
I completely lost the track of time. I do my best in my attempts to stop the moment... but that just does not work: it simply refuses to stop, it runs further away, making me chaise it. Again and again.
There are little pauses though (like the one right now, when I am writing to you), but they are big enough only for grasping a little air, not for feeling them... As soon as I put the last dot, it will start again - the neverending stream, that makes me repeat to myself: "I`ll think about it tomorrow". It is all good - it is all positive events... It is just, that they are so concentrated, that I start to fear the moment, they finish: all those emotions, that I did not have time to live through, are going to fall on me at once... But I`ll face this thought tomorrow.
The only thing I left in the journal about my own wedding was: "Heh, I`ve married :)", one of that comments was: "You say it, as if you went to buy a new pair of socks"... Well... it certainly feels this way - it is just my emotional mind turned out to be unable to cope with everything at the same time, so, it switched itself off, leaving me with only the analytical part of itself. I fear the moment, it switches back on... The archive of unopened feelings to deal with is growing every moment...
But I know, since being a child I dreamed about that exact moment, that is caught at the first attached photo. In Russia people do not do it, so, I never though, I`d ever really have it... I know that I dreamed of that... So, I know, the feelings should be really nice... I`ll feel it all, when time stops. It will be soon. So I hope.
But one thing I do feel: I am happy!
date Thu, Jul 24, 2008 at 9:13 PM
The moment I was talking about in my previous letter (the one with photos).. I think, that moment did come... and... there is no storm I expected! Just quiet, just normal... It is like I am simply living my life and being happy - quietly happy. My Russian soul, used to storms feels unexpectedly comfortable in this progressive quietness. I mean... It is not just quietness, it is... well... being on track?